Dealing with dying

Post by **Big Bopper Bart** » Wed Apr 19, 2006 12:29 pm

As most of you all know,my dad is dying of cancer.well he had monsth to live and in trying to add more months he got this thing called'Gamma knife radiation treatment'and instead of helpping him,it paralyzed half his body and made him crippled.hes now in a hospice and can't eat or bathe or do anything by himself anymore now.My dad was always around 200 lbs on a 5 foot 8 frame.worked hard and had broad shoulders.now hes a frail 140 lbs and barely eats anything.hes guant and if you've ever seen the movie'Christine'he looks like that characator'George LeBay' beard and all.My dad was always a hard man to get along with,he was never physically abusing but very verbal and drank like a fish.but he was always there for me and i always had a roof over my head and food to eat.i go to the hospice and see him once or twice a week and help him in his wheelchair and wheel him out to the lil park thinkgy they have and his highlight is sitting outside and having me light his cigs up for him so he can smoke one or two.then he wanst to go back in and go to sleep.he is still coharent but seems to have given up on life.I feel kinda stupid typing this sh*t on here but i needed to vent some as i'm sure some of you have dealt with this sh*t before.Man ....dealing with a loved one who is slowly fading away is torture pure and simple.

roadwarriormfp · Post by **roadwarriormfp** » Wed Apr 19, 2006 3:46 pm

Bart im sorry to say there is no easy way in dealing with it.

My old man was stubborn but did everything without ever asking for help, even when he was old and should be sitting down he would be doing stuff which would make me tired and sweat after 10mins!

You always expect them to live forever, but when "old age" settles in like it did with my old man... or watching your dads treatment make him into a frail man, it in no way makes it easy.

We all know as males we are supposed to act tough and not try to talk about these things, but from experience, you have to do it....

And dont worry, we will still call you an a-hole once in a while to cheer you up !

Post by **.MAD MAX.** » Wed Apr 19, 2006 5:12 pm

Heya bart, most of us here are close in age and have gone through similar pains.... we all undersatnd and have no issues with you 'venting' or just discussing it here....you won't get any 'moderator' type crap from me but I'd watch that Sam guy

.

Doug

Post by **Big Bopper Bart** » Thu Apr 20, 2006 12:58 am

Thanx guys,most of you guys here are real and not fake like alot of pople i've met and know.its cool i can get a lil off my chest on here once in a while or explode in one of my rants too LOL

Post by **OverheadCam** » Thu Apr 20, 2006 2:03 pm

I'm really sorry Bart.....I know it's heartbreaking stuff.....but in hindsight, the best advice I ever got was

"You HAVE to be there!"

It will be just important to you in the future, as it is to your Dad now!

Good on ya mate!

Cam

Post by **SCREWLOOSE** » Thu Apr 20, 2006 3:56 pm

Treasure the last few months you have with your father dont take it for granted as I did. Be there as much as you can!!

I never seen my day for 4 days before he died....all becasue I had a cold and the last time one of us had the cold he got it and it made him worse!! Wish I knew that the time he had left was less than what I thought, as he was expected to die 3 weeks previousily and he didnt so ithought ahh sure I can go see him when I get better, however it didnt work out that way!!

Only shining light I have out of not seeing him was that I gave him a shave and combed his hair as he lay ill in the hospital bed (still liked to look his best), so the last time I seen my dad alive I had actually been of some use and done something for him for a change!!

Just make sure your there!!!

Post by **Biker** » Thu Apr 20, 2006 11:35 pm

I second the words of Screwloose Bart. Just be there even if it's to sit quietly. I'm now 2 years younger than my Father was when he died at 45. It's a scary thought being the age my father once was, sort of wierd that I'm now the "old" man. But whatever thoughts and pain I have over seeing my Dad fade I have some comfort in actually saying goodbye and spending the last few days with him and get that smile I grew up seeing everyday

sh*t that sounds so depressing and has probably hurt Screwloose for reading it too, sorry Pal. But it's another memory and I treasure it. Just make to most of the time you have left with him. OK?

Ditto about his size as your Dad too. My forearms are bigger than my what my Dad's thighs were reduced to when he died. Cancer's a bastard.

I hated the world, and God for about 5 years after he was buried. I still shake a fist at the sky sometimes for taking him.

Dealing with death is one thing, dealing with living after they've gone is quite another.

Biker

Post by **Bugsgecko** » Fri Apr 21, 2006 6:37 am

Ditto to everyone's comments,especially Biker's last one -Dealing with death is one thing, dealing with living after they've gone is quite another.

Bart just sit,talk to your Dad about any day to day stuff,read the papers to him,take in any music he likes, organise with other family members or friends to stagger everyone's visits so there's always someone there,even if he's asleep or at night - it's very comforting to wake up and find family or a mate sitting there beside your bed. Your Dad will probably cat nap through the day and night,sleep for short bursts and be awake for awhile .Take photos too-he mightn't look like how you remember your Dad but in time they will help you remember him.

Find out if there's any food he's missing - chocolate,fresh OJ ,baked spuds,gherkins,beer even - the type of thing he doesn't get and you could bring in to him . Ask if he'd prefer different clothes/pj's to wear. See if there's anyone he wants you to contact for him - old friends/family he hasn't seen for awhile.Tell him you're taking him out for a little break-wheel him round a park/local streets for 30 mins,something to see instead of the hospice.

Used to take beer,cakes,choccie almonds,etc in for my Mum..had mini parties,got her laughing,made jokes about the nurses taking her to the toilet "Geeze Mum the lengths you have to go to, to get someone to wait on you like a bloody maid these days "...sort of thing,to remove her embarassment.Shaved my head coz she was upset about losing her hair ...she was able to make a joke of her baldness after that. Took her out in a wheelchair to the local parks,threw bread to the feathered wildlife,stickybeaked at everything - anything to break the monotony of the ward.Rang her on the phone from home when her footy team was playing and she was too tired to watch the tv-reported the matches in detail.Fought with f**king nurses who refused to give Mum her extra pain relief,told doctors they could get f**ked when they wanted to perform more treatment --told Mum the nutters wanted to pickle her grey matter so she wouldn't know she was going mad,she replied " they're a bit late,I've been mad all my life...and I've known it the whole time !"

Still miss the old battleaxe.

Post by **Big Bopper Bart** » Fri Apr 21, 2006 8:12 am

Well my dad is coming home to sepnd his final days as hes been begging to come home.So we renetdd a bunch of hospice stuff and are going to have nurses come by but myself ,mother and brother will care for him mostly.this way he can see all his family all the time and since i do part time work i'm home most of the time and will be there to talk with him and help him with his food,cigs and beer.I feel a lil better but a lil scared him coming home.its like having a bottle of water and you know you havta drink it and it will eventually be empty i know i know stup[id analogy.part of me wanst to blank out him entirely basically avoiding him so i won't be upset but i can't.i'm sure i'll get over this fear and i need to accept my dads fate,and be with him the best i can.thanx for all the advise guys & gals,I sincerly appreciate it

Post by **scummy** » Fri Apr 21, 2006 1:05 pm

Bart mate , No need to feel stupid typin your thoughts about the greatest man you,ll ever know , your among friends here and If it helps for you to type your thoughts go right ahead matey . As you said he was there for you and gave you a roof over your head now its your turn to pay the debt back by looking after him now , the visits you make would make his day as I know when my kids are not around I miss them and It does lighten up my day when they are here . All the best to you and your family and type on whatever you like mate .